Now…

No drama, no created crisis. Is that OK?

Just stillness and peace in this moment that is…my heart beats a certain rhythum as I listen to the wind and the sounds of summer.

Sky blue, sea green, birds hovering on warm winds above me.

Once upon a time I left my body, floated out of it, all in the name of safety.

Now I have returned and I feel my self breathe.

I look at wonderful colors that are new, fresh and bold.

Smoky sandalwood fills the air and the humming of the chant greets my senses.

I’m alive because I feel my heart now.

I look into gods eyes and I know the truth.

He never left me and was waiting patiently for me to return to him. The love I feel now fills me from the inside.

In this moment I belong,no longer little boy lost …now I am found.

Held…

I desire the beating warmth of your cradling heart

To hold me still while the storm rages overhead

Lost in the dream awake in your glistening eyes

I feel like warm honey that blends with hard caress 

I sink into you further 

You stir and I am alive in the beauty

Broken, sharp edges of past truimphs 

That remind me of so much

But here we are in daytime smells of sea, salt and sweat 

I know I am safe because I am held…

Stripped…

love-inner-child-burning-man-sculpture-1

I stand before myself looking at myself looking back at me,

I feel naked by the candlelight and stripped bare

My defenses are down, my body aches my mind it spins

Trying to make some sense of the this strange new world

Wanting heartbeats in the still of night, unspoken dreams masquerade

I crave love but settle for less

In this bleak moment of truth I know who I am

I might be labelled by the masses as something other than they are

Their comfort zone not mine

Do you believe the work of the devil?

Wearing shame and guilt like badges of honor alight with fiery hue

I want out, I want to jump to leap with no net and see if I land

Maybe I will…

You try to tell me who I am and what to think

You leave me struggling for breathe with your ideals

I am not you, I might not be perfect but still I am here

Worn at the edges and stripped

Authentically me..

 

Maybe… 

Maybe if I turn away from darkness there will be no light. 

In stereotypical dreams of screens and bodily yearnings there is truth. 

A sense of longing reaching deep into the dark of night. 

Loneliness that shrouds my being like a well worn coat. 

A little worn out at the edges and comfortable forgetfulness.  

Into the oblivion of wants and desire. 

I take the walls down brick by brick and I slowly emerge. Free from chains and yet freedom so sour on my baited breathe. 

Maybe, when I take the next step and jump into the unknown fate will wake up and hear me. 

Catch my fall and lower me gently to the ground. 

You never get anymore than you can handle…. Or so they say. 

In summer air and fresh flowers scent that dream will become real

I sit and wonder who I’m meant to be.. 

Maybe one day I’ll know…. 

Look for me… 

Look for me in sunshine, the break of a brand new day

Look for me in the moonlight, when life has gone astray

Look for me in reflections, I’m looking back at you

Look for me when all is lost I’ll be there just for you

Look for me in darkness, by candles warm soft light

Look for me when all alone in the deep dark scary night

Hear me speak so gently when the world is Oh so loud

Hear me speak youll hear my voice you make me very proud

Take this day and know your loved right here

Look for me I’m never gone so safely close and near…. 

Just for today… 

I’m going to be me.

I will sit in the sun and listen to the birds knowing I am enough. 

Just for today I will rest without guilt and eat too much ice cream. 

Just for today, I will drop all my balls and juggle with dreams. 

On this day I will stop trying to be perfect. 

Just for today, I will have a lie in without self judgement and crazy arse ideals. 

Just for today, I will waste a few hours doing nothing. 

On this day, I will swim naked in the sea and feel free. 

Just for today I will eat cake and drink tea watching people being people. 

Just for today I won’t pretend. 

Just for today I will stop trying to figure it all out. 

Just for today I will be me…. 

Waiting… 

I know your there. Waiting in the darkness.

Cowering until I’m relaxed and unaware. 

My back turned unassuming and not expecting

You creep into view like a cat about to pounce

Slowly turning the air cold with your grissly stare and dark eyes

Grief

I feel you under my skin. Like poison in my vains

My heart in a wooden box, locked down and broken

Slowly it comes. The past coming into view

Wooden boxes and heavy red curtains, the final message 

Still and no life you are carried in.. 

I stand and stare while my heart shatters 

In the stillness of the service I finally let go

So. Here I am once again.. I feel you near but this time it’s ok

I’ve made friends with you and your most welcome

It will pass

You cant hurt me 

I turn and face you and only see light

No longer waiting I am free…. 

Rise…

Deep dark black

Like the depths of untouched water

I sink to the bottom

No soul, no air just black

Sunlight gone and warmth unknown

I catch my breathe and dive down deeper until I settle on the bottom

Somehow I feel held by this space. Supported by the ground beneath me I take comfort in the letting go

No room to manoeuvre from the chains around me

I let go more and all is well

I fill my lungs and start to surface, gently and surely I rise…

Fear… 

What is Fear? Fear is a projection of what has happened in the past into the future.. 

Its a fear of not getting what I want or losing what I have…. 

Other meanings could be…. 

Face Everything and Recover

Fuck Everything and Run

False Evidence Appearing Real

Find Everything Awfully Rigid

Feel Easy And Raw

Face Each other And Relax… 

What does fear mean to you….?