I stand before myself looking at myself looking back at me,
I feel naked by the candlelight and stripped bare
My defenses are down, my body aches my mind it spins
Trying to make some sense of the this strange new world
Wanting heartbeats in the still of night, unspoken dreams masquerade
I crave love but settle for less
In this bleak moment of truth I know who I am
I might be labelled by the masses as something other than they are
Their comfort zone not mine
Do you believe the work of the devil?
Wearing shame and guilt like badges of honor alight with fiery hue
I want out, I want to jump to leap with no net and see if I land
Maybe I will…
You try to tell me who I am and what to think
You leave me struggling for breathe with your ideals
I am not you, I might not be perfect but still I am here
Worn at the edges and stripped
Maybe if I turn away from darkness there will be no light.
In stereotypical dreams of screens and bodily yearnings there is truth.
A sense of longing reaching deep into the dark of night.
Loneliness that shrouds my being like a well worn coat.
A little worn out at the edges and comfortable forgetfulness.
Into the oblivion of wants and desire.
I take the walls down brick by brick and I slowly emerge. Free from chains and yet freedom so sour on my baited breathe.
Maybe, when I take the next step and jump into the unknown fate will wake up and hear me.
Catch my fall and lower me gently to the ground.
You never get anymore than you can handle…. Or so they say.
In summer air and fresh flowers scent that dream will become real
I sit and wonder who I’m meant to be..
Maybe one day I’ll know….
I’m going to be me.
I will sit in the sun and listen to the birds knowing I am enough.
Just for today I will rest without guilt and eat too much ice cream.
Just for today, I will drop all my balls and juggle with dreams.
On this day I will stop trying to be perfect.
Just for today, I will have a lie in without self judgement and crazy arse ideals.
Just for today, I will waste a few hours doing nothing.
On this day, I will swim naked in the sea and feel free.
Just for today I will eat cake and drink tea watching people being people.
Just for today I won’t pretend.
Just for today I will stop trying to figure it all out.
Just for today I will be me….
In daily blooms of gods embrace
The past behind a higher taste
I am here and meant to be, the waves of change like deep blue sea
New day dawns a chance to hold my self in love but not so bold
A open door from past to now
I sometimes wonder when and how
The peace it comes like morning frost
I leave behind all that Ive lost
The foundations strong I know its true
A bright day dawns I start anew
Car crash moments and hazy feelings
Unsure edges of where I end and life begins
Total recall of damaged days and toxic fear
Heavy breath and smoky fingers , touching where they were not invited
I lost my voice and who I was in willowy wisps of icy air
Windows that looked up in to the night sky
I wanted to be among them
Free to float in blankets of darkness and silky stars
I left my body never to return
But now I have, I occupy the moment and feel my skin bathed in subtle sun and warm caress
Beckoning me to gently move forward
I am safe in this new body and held by the chant
I am loved from this place and I no longer need to hide in shadows
I am here and I am enough….
Pulsing through my veins.
The deep longing for something unseen and unheard.
I feel it in my body like the need for air, the need for food and everything in between.
I crave touch, caress and warmth like a new born raising his head into a new world.
I desire you and your taste.
If I let my guard down will I be here still ….do I really know
How can you have this freedom and yet feel so trapped.
With you here to hold my body in the night and capture the morning glint in your eyes
I desire you, but that is just a dream…
Such wonder in moments of pure magic
I sink into warmth and love like a new born pup seeing the world for the first time
I taste blessed food like an addictive high without the sin
I chant the mantra with love in my heart and I am home
Past memories like flashes of light Love came and love left Coarse abrupt and damaging Just walked out Took my soul with it Dragging it down the hall way Kicking screaming and watching me looking …
Today would have been my brothers birthday and sadly I lost him to suicide less than 2 years ago, I hesitate to share this but I have always written from my heart and want this to be a lasting image and have dedicated this poem to him.. Happy Birthday Simon xx you are very much missed…..
I wish I could tell you that it’s all ok.
To re assure you that you were loved and it was safe to stay.
In the cold dark night and all alone, I wish you could have found your “place called home”
Something solid and with love to guide.
No shame, no fear no need to hide.
The pain so deep and all alone you left that night and couldn’t phone.
I shed your tears that you never could cry.
You chose your path, you said goodbye.
I miss you now and each new day, I see your face …..a million miles away.
Out of sight but not of mind, you leave us now so far behind.
My special bond my wonderful brother – in this short life there is no other.
I wish you peace in your passing on, inside my mind but never gone…
WORDS WITHOUT LIMITS
A place for poetry, poets and all things with words.. love to share my experience.