Car crash moments and hazy feelings
Unsure edges of where I end and life begins
Total recall of damaged days and toxic fear
Heavy breath and smoky fingers , touching where they were not invited
I lost my voice and who I was in willowy wisps of icy air
Windows that looked up in to the night sky
I wanted to be among them
Free to float in blankets of darkness and silky stars
I left my body never to return
But now I have, I occupy the moment and feel my skin bathed in subtle sun and warm caress
Beckoning me to gently move forward
I am safe in this new body and held by the chant
I am loved from this place and I no longer need to hide in shadows
I am here and I am enough….
I have a choice with love abound.
I hear the chant, such joyful sound.
To sit with you in this sure space, I see you now a warm embrace.
To capture me in voice so slow to be right here and not to go.
I have no words they mean so little, they catch my breath and don’t belittle.
Is this real or just a haze?
I know the truth its in your gaze.
I want to feel your skin with mine, I pray for love and sacred time.
To feel you near and know its true, a heart embrace from me to you.
I bring to you no fear no ploy
I’m who I am to share my joy.
New colors that dance on sheer white fabric.
No longer gray or black with acidic taste of broken dreams and shattered wishes.
A symphony of hues that glistens in the moonlight creating new patterns.
Dance, chant, creative wonders that come to me within the majesty of your gaze.
Love now expressive, free and expanding.
Moves of fluidity that surge through my body to welcome the light in deep requiem with all that is.
I let go of the trauma, abuse and the past..The cowering times in cold darkness.
The little boy who was scared for his life, needing so much to be held.
Now I’m the loving adult who is living life.
A blank canvas…
How does he know what to choose?
The road less travelled or the well trodden path?
Has it ever been truly explored in the glory of his days.
When the way is unclear and path unseen.
The yellow brick road – to nowhere
An endless figure of what could be
A future imagining
A child knew
Castles in clouds
Deep with the innocence of youth
A wondrous world of make believe
So now he sits
Sun light warming his face with a wondrous warm hue, alone but not afraid
The boy from nowhere going somewhere.
A a person living with PTSD this is a beautiful description of what it is..
“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.”
Danielle Bernock – Emerging with Wings
A little boy alone in the dark, I hear his wanting cry,
The distant memories that fade in time, I often wonder why.
What did he do to take such pain, in this clear truth… it stays the same.
In place of love was only fear and heavy footsteps that came too near.
To take what wasnt his to take, to destroy, shatter and to break, the heart of one so young.
With this unmasking of the truth Ive only just begun.
In place of fear now stands love and gentle soul caress, to make peace with past and clear up all the dark and painful mess.
Encouraging that little boy to step out from the frost, I m here for him at last he knows he is no longer lost.
A new day and the light appears.
A welcome guest in this cold autumn air.
Each day nothing changes, my thoughts circulate in a maze of choice, a puzzle of paths to choose.
Deep in my heart I know the truth, I belong to the world and everything in it.
I am connected to the earth, the trees and true nature in its glorious wonder.
I am part of existence and evolution and yet feel disconnected.
The child within longs to be held and comforted ….to know he belongs.
He belongs to me and my true spirit is free and soars into the light.
In the passing evening light I wait. For the darkness to come and envelop my body like a thick black cape.
The fears of what ifs, what could of been and what never was.
I feel fears deep breath against my cold skin, I know its there… Ive felt it before. Like a well known enemy.
One that picks on me and takes no time for friendly introductions.
A school ground bully, the father who said no time and time again. The angry man who knew better. Who left me trapped and fighting for my life.
I knew him well.
I carried the guilt like a badge. Emblazoned on my body like a red hot mark burnt into my skin.
In this place I sit and allow the fear to come into the light and there it is, a circus clown and man about town with too big trousers and ill fitting jacket.
Whos laughing now?
Hope prevails and I am here and knowing this I look around. No longer do I feel fears vice like grip or sense the presence of the smoke and mirrors, I know the truth and that is all there is.
In time they will know, when its meant and with the right words, Maybe not in this life but they will know.
I sit and laugh at fear and it nestles up to me like a new born pup.
I am safe.
I am sure we can relate to shame – all of us at some time or another. Bring it out, kick it into shape and it needs to be seen…
Shame, shame know your name.
From playground, in childhood to bedroom its the same.
You hide in dark corners a beast of the night.
To pounce upon daydreams and block out the light.
A raging dark force, from which we are taught, to be more do more and love can be bought.
A faceless shape that changes at will, it comes when your laughing and joyous and still.
It settles in deep and comes when you sleep, the shape changing shame that knows your name.
It exists in your mind and dark past behind
Its safe to be let out and seen.
With the light of love and presence of now it dissolves like a beautiful dream.
Shame, shame know your name and now I can see you your never the same..